The heart of Arielle is desperately wicked!… Who can know it🤷🏽‍♀️:HIM ~ My sanity 🥹❤️‍🔥

I’ve had a few emotional battles at various times of my life;

Growing up, I was one with such demonic anger and I remember having so many injuries as well as hurting my siblings as a result of this and till date, I can’t help but ask how I was able to do all of that.

For a couple of months now, I’ve had to fight emotional battles yet again [ It’s either I am getting hurt or angry at the slightest thing: it’s like everything was a trigger to hurt or anger and trust me, I am never welcoming when this happens] you could literally count how many times you’d see me smile or be happy like for long.

I was an angry bird…should I say a terrible one now?

That demon really sat on my case because it got to a point where I was literally unapproachable because there’s this very unwelcoming aura around when that mood comes.

I can just be happy for a second  and in the next 23 hours 57 mins, boom!

In my father’s voice, “That thing is here again”

It made me feel very terrible because I tend to just go completely mute; I’m not one to keep up with conversations for so long especially when I have to talk and not type or write; well , unless there’s a special grace that comes.

But then, I who find it so difficult to talk about myself, can go completely mute for as long as I’m in that mood and you won’t know I’m there aside the energy you’d be getting which of course was negative and I know this because I too could perceive it when it comes. 

I avoid myself too

Or should I say I get scared of myself too because it’s like I get to realize how desperately wicked my heart is,

How much evil thoughts I could harbor in my heart.

I’ll say why

I realized that at the time when I go quiet, the devil begins to connect dots; he begins to just pull strings as fast as he could from anything at all

I tell you it take just one action to get me to ponder on a million and one other offenses or issues.

PS; I overthink  a lot and I’m grateful  I’m still a work in progress 

And so, just any action or word from a person, a few thoughts here and there and I’ll find myself down with every negative emotion or fruit you can think of ; insecurity, hurt, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, lust, name it💁🏻‍♀️.

I sometimes notice this sudden haste in my soul and it feels like everything and everyone are on a pace id never be able to keep up with. It’s like I’m being left behind in the middle of nowhere and at the same time it feels like everything is crashing down on me.

I might not be able to explain it exactly how it use to be but then I trust My lover helps you understand 

It was a terrible place

I could say there’s no difference between the mad man at gadarene and I

Because I would rave and rage, I’d hurt myself for no just cause yet I can’t speak a word of what was wrong with me

I remember asking Him to kill me because I felt like “why will I be having this so many things in my heart?”

‘Why is my words so venomous’

“Why do I have all of this baggages that is far from Jesus going on in me?”

And I tell you, all of these leaves me with such severe  pain; like literal pain on my chest and body. So severe that sometimes I just can’t move but remain lying on a spot till the next day. And then, you’d never want to hear me speak because it was as though my words were venomous and would just convey what I was feeling to another.

It was a burden

And I didn’t realize how comfortable I had gotten with it that I no longer bothered( I created like a routine or should I say a mechanism to manage it, living with it like it was how it should be); when it comes, I’d just isolate myself and just cry or sleep off and trust me it gets worsened when I wake up. 

I had the “that’s how I am mentality-take me as you see me” and that didn’t help at all.

What I didn’t know was that it was just the devil’s mechanism to draw me into isolation and then keep me completely in bondage without me even knowing.

And I had partnered with him, personalized this oppression (made myself believe it was just an emotional breakdown) for so long because it became ‘usual’ for me to have just a short period of being all jolly and possibly an ‘eternity’ drowning in everything Jesus has redeemed me from.

I was literally INSANE!

It was not until I began to notice the great harm it was doing to my relationship with others and the streams of thoughts that kept coming that made me realize I needed help to have this Desperately Wicked Heart replaced!

The funny thing in all of this, I was still praying and studying and communing with God but as merciful as He is , He brought to my notice how I had shut Him out from that part of my life. I never intentionally asked Him to help me in that area. I use to ask that He killed me, but it was like I was shielding that part from Him and trying to handle it myself.

I never knew Guarding ones heart needed such intentionality 

I remember telling Him…

“My heart is desperately wicked and only you can know it” 

I began to describe how I felt or how the whole thing made me feel

And that was just the beginning of my deliverance 

It didn’t end there tho, I learnt to see the Holyspirit as MY SANITY - and trust me, I’m getting better

That knowledge alone brought a kind of renewal in my mind and it became like a response whenever that’s whole baggage comes to knock.

So far,

I have seen a huge difference and I am grateful. I am a work in progress and it’s beautiful to say I am…

#proudlybecominglikeJesus

Arielle 🕊